


And Still Counting...

by dosanddonts



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 20:23:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2123454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dosanddonts/pseuds/dosanddonts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU  Fanfiction. Takes place in college. Story told in Ashlyn's point of view. Y'all, it's FICTION none of this is true. Hope you guys enjoy it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Start

August: Assertions

It was the start of my last semester and I have to say…. It was very relieving, worrisome, and also exciting. I was relieved that I was finally starting my last stretch of my journey as a college student. I was worried because I was about to start my last semester without three of my best friends who graduated last May. And, I was excited to live off-campus like a semi-adult with two of my closest (maybe even only) friends left, Whit and Sarah; I remember that spring how relieved I was when I found out that Whit was back for an honors term because I wouldn’t have made it through without her.  
Before the start of every semester, I always kind of have a rough idea of what I want to do or expect and one of the things that always runs through my mind is if I’m finally going to grow out of my old habit and find someone that semester. However, it was the last semester and one of my biggest pet peeves was being involved with someone the last semester of college. It just didn’t make sense. Knowing that you’re only there for five months, why would anyone want to go through the trouble of getting to know someone, getting close, and getting emotionally attached only to know that one of you are going to leave? So, for the first time in seven semesters in college, finding someone or being involved was actually not something I thought about. It didn’t even cross my mind. Of course, I had a rough idea of “fun,” but that was it. Little did I know, I was about to be the biggest hypocrite of the year.  
I got to our new house and it was nice. It was empty at first but the first step really made me feel like I was home. It was my first very own place. Of course, I was sharing with two other people so it wasn’t all mine but it just felt right. And, that wasn’t going to be the last thing that felt right in that house. People say don’t assume so, I didn’t. However, I made assertions and they were wrong. 

September: Immutable

The three of us finally settled in and after a month of settling in, our house actually looked like a home. Whit had stocked the kitchen, we had already hosted people to stay over, a TV, a nice second story deck, and finally an extra couch to the shitty ones that came with the house. The semester was going all right. I was getting busier with my senior thesis but having a good amount of down time to just enjoy what was left of the semester.  
Sarah was a lot more adventurous during the weekends while Whit and I took it slow like boring old people. It was actually more like… We were finally growing out of the normal college scene. So, Whit and I took every other weekend off.

The weekend of Jazz Fest, Whit’s MacBook broke and because we lived in a small town and it didn’t have an Apple store within the next 100 miles radius, we decided to take that weekend off from the college scene and go to D.C. It was actually a nice trip up there because we got to walk around the mall a little before her appointment with Apple and we also got some Thai for dinner. For anyone who lives in a very remote small college town, they’ll understand why just even getting out of town is a treat. So, we walked around a little, made it to Whit’s appointment, and made it back to campus around ten o’clock. But, little did we know, it was Jazz Fest and I think Abby might have texted Whit to come and check it out. The two of us were so tired from the trip –it comes with aging— but we reluctantly agreed and went to Jazz Fest; the important part here is that we were dead sober.  
Despite the fact that we were sober it was actually one of the best nights I’ve had. So, what we planned to be a short trip to say hi to turned out to be a late night. It was also a really interesting night. It was more like a revelation night for me to be honest. One of the girls from the soccer team told me that She was hooking up with my other less-obvious closest friend. To be honest, he has always been a little more hush-hush about his hookups in general but I also always figured that if he had hooked up with someone he would tell me because I told him about my hookups… Well, I would tell him if he asked.

At first She was really hesitant to tell me. She just said, “Ash, you’re close with him, right? What’s he like?” It was strange that She was asking me about him because I knew that they weren’t in the same friend group so I knew that something was up. And, She told me that they hooked up. When she told me, I was shocked by the fact that he actually had the balls to hook up and then I was shocked again that he didn’t tell me and that She told me first, the girl I really didn’t know too well. But, She was drunk and I just laughed and smiled and listened to Her talk. So, I told Her that She should come by later that week and She should fill me in more. She agreed and we went our separate ways and I went home just super, duper psyched about this new finding, wondering if I should bring it up to him.

So, later that week, She came over and filled me in. The story was just… Mind blowing. I couldn’t stop being in shock at how much of a pair of balls he grew to actually barge into Her room and start making out. To be really honest, I thought She was crazy too to just let that happen. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t judging Her. She must have really been drunk and horny was what I was thinking. Of course, I didn’t say that to Her. 

Basically after that little talk we had, Her and I started to talk a little more. There was occasionally texting and we were finally a little less like acquaintances and a little more like friends. On the other hand, my patience grew thin and finally brought it up to him. And, when I called him out on it, he pretended like he wasn’t surprised that I knew and he just admitted it. I don’t really know what it was but once he admitted it, I found myself warning him. I was warning him to not be a dick to Her. I really didn’t know Her that well. I actually didn’t know much about Her other than the fact that She was hooking up with my not-so-obvious close friend. However, I found myself telling him, “Jake, She’s a really nice girl so don’t pull one of your stunts and be an ass, okay? Like, I actually like Her. She’s cool. So, don’t put me in an awkward situation by screwing it up.” He just laughed and said, “Yeah, we’re just hooking up.” I don’t know what it was but I found myself just… Watching out for Her. “Her” that I really wasn’t that close with.

I constantly found myself telling him not to mess up. He would ask me from time to time what that entail. So, I said, “Don’t hookup sober. Don’t text during the week. Don’t stay over after you fuck. I mean, of course, if you like her then sure do all that stuff. Just don’t put me in the middle like last time.” And, that was that. He would just let me know when they hooked up and I would say cool and we just moved on with our conversation. With Her, after that one open talk we had, we never really talked about Her and him hooking up.

Until one day, Jake started to bring up about other girls. He was telling me that he started texting this other girl and unconsciously I found myself asking what about Her. He just shrugged and said, “I mean nothing. We haven’t hooked up for like a week and a half.” So, I just nodded but I had this weird sense of protectiveness. And, the next time Her and I were having a conversation, I discretely (maybe not so much) asked her about Her and him and She said that same thing. And, out of nowhere I was telling Her to be careful. I was telling Her that he can be an ass. She just smiled and said there wasn’t anything but just sex. I said okay and that was the end of our conversation. I just knew my friend all too well. He wasn’t about to make an exception because I said I was good friends with Her. So, I was being a good friend to Her.

A few week past and it was some weekend and Whit and my mutual friend named Pinoe was coming over to visit. She’s quite the character, definitely crazy but you just can’t hate her. But anyway, she asked to stay at our house and of course we said yes. To be honest, Whit and I didn’t think she would even stay at our house because she’s just… a nomad when she drinks and she just ends up all over the place. And coincidentally that was the night one of the upper classmen dorms was having a party and I made the mistake of going to Jake’s room and smoking before heading over. By the time I made it to the party, I was so out of it.

I had been texting Her that night. She was at some soccer-bonding thing and was going to be late. I really wanted to hangout with Her that night but my head was elsewhere and I just needed food and be comfortable so about ten minutes after I got there which was around midnight, I decided to head back home. I had parked my bike by one of the dorms at the end of the residential side so I told Whit I was going to head home first. She didn’t even ask why. She saw the state I was in and just rolled her eyes. I just stupidly smile and left.

I was actually going to go through the building links but once I left the dorm, the breeze felt so good that I decided to just walk outside. And, while I was walking over to my bike I met Her. She was on her way to the party. At that moment –I had already texted Her that I was leaving about few minutes ago— I wanted to take back my text but my body and mind and my mouth were not synced that night. My mind was telling me to stay and walk back to the party with Her but my body was already walking towards where my bike was and my mouth was already saying, “Alright, have fun.”

After that short exchange of hi and bye, I went back to Jake’s before heading back home, stupidly hitting the bong again. I guess I was just really nicely buzzed because by the time I had made my way back out to finally bike home, it was already 1:30 AM. I unlocked my bike and started to bike home. The nice cold breeze against my face felt so nice by the time I got around to my block, I unconsciously rod around the block three times before I actually went home. Once at home, I went straight to the kitchen gobbled up whatever was in the fridge then, made my way to my room, got changed and went back down to lie on the couch to watch some TV before I went to sleep. My original plan was that I was going to watch an episode of something and head back upstairs. However, I fell asleep on the couch and only to be woken up, an hour and half later by some rowdy group of people surrounding me on the futon, eating. I was so confused. I was still kind high and sleepy as fuck.

Of course, everyone is laughing with their mouths half full and drunk out of their ass. I try to move but Whit is making sure that I don’t so that the food on top of me doesn’t go flying all over the place. I finally kind of get myself together and realize nobody pities the poor me. So, I just accept and just give up and look around to see who’s there. It’s Pinoe, Syd, Whit, and Her. Oh, and Alex. Alex is just passed out on the shitty couch and I ask them why she’s there and of course, all four of them just start to all talk and tell me how they ended up at McD’s but before that how they picked Alex up while Pinoe kept on asking me if I wanted a bite of the burger. To be honest, I really didn’t care. I just wanted to go to bed. So, I just laid back down and let the four of them do their thing, only to realize that it was an unplanned sleepover party on the futon that I had first claimed; Whit tried to convince me that I should go upstairs and sleep in my bed but I was not about to walk up the flight of stairs. I kind of expected people to just let me be and find their own place to sleep but instead… Pinoe decided to make herself comfortable on my left side and She decided to make herself comfortable on my right side.

Not being much of a cuddler, I was just really annoyed at that point because I was losing sleep. However, being the stubborn self, I wasn’t about to just get up and give up my futon. So, I remained put. As Pinoe cuddled into left and She cuddled into my right, I thought they would just fall asleep. Boy, was I wrong. The next thing I knew, there was flash everywhere. It was like photo shoot time. I don’t really remember much but eventually Pinoe fell asleep and by then I was kind of awake. Then, I realized that She wasn’t. She was still awake on my right, trying to get herself comfortable.  
I looked at Her. She looked at me. And, I unconsciously lifted my right arm and surprisingly She lifted her head. I placed my arm under Her head and She crawled into my side and I found myself wrapping my arm around her shoulders. It was weird. It was weird that that felt comfortable. It was weird that I didn’t find it awkward. It was weird that She fit so perfectly in my arms. It was weird that felt as if we’ve always done this. It was weird that She didn’t look at me as if I was doing something out of the blue. It was weird that it wasn’t weird.

As She made Herself comfortable, She curled closer into my side. I was wide awkae by then. The cold that I felt before was replaced with Her warmth. I kept asking Her if She was comfortable. From the number of time I asked Her if She was comfortable, She could have thought I was a broken record. But, every time, She just looked up at me, smiled, and said, “Mhm,” until She finally fell asleep. After She fell asleep, I laid there awake for a while. I thought I was crazy. Why did it feel so… normal? Why did it feel so… good?


	2. Are We Finally Getting Somewhere...

November: Never Ending

 

Wow. That’s all I have to say. I was confused out of my mind. Why is it that the only thing I can think of is Her. She is all I can think about. I’ve tried so hard to suppress everything but everything seemed to be questioning our relationship. Was this just a different kind of friendship or was this really what I had been trying to avoid all this time? Every weekend was a struggle as I tried to play it cool and ask Her what She was up to. Every weekend I had to come up with discreet ways for us to meet up and hangout. Every weekend, I hoped that She would end up in my next to me and we could fall asleep together. Every weekend was a struggle to find out what it was all about. She never seemed to be against it. She was always adamant to hangout. She always agreed to come over and hangout. She never said, “No.” She always said, “I’ll make my way over soon.” Those were her words and made everything all so worth the wait. Then it was my birthday…

I’ve never been so big about birthdays. I still am not. So, it had been long since I’ve taken off my birthday off Facebook and only my close friends knew. Of course, Whit and Sarah knew and they were trying to make it as uncomfortable as possible for me by trying to spread it. So, the day before my birthday, we had dinner as roommates and got ready to head out for the night. It was going to be like any other weekend.

That day also happens to be one of my good friends’ birthdays so I decided to tag along with her to the bar to buy her a drink. I have to say that it was kind of awkward at the bar with a group of people who I wasn’t so close with to realize that it was also my birthday. Of course, Lauren had to mention that it was my birthday… But, it was her day. Lauren was finally 21. Anyway, so while even at the bar I was texting Her. She was telling me how Her and Whit were at the party and we should make our way over. It just happened to be that the party was at Lauren’s sorority house. So, Lauren’s boyfriend drove us to the party; thank goodness he wasn’t drunk because I wasn’t ready to walk back to campus. Once at the party, I saw them. I saw Her, Whit, and Sarah. We drunkenly danced and had a great time until we realized that it was almost 2 and was time to head home. What got me thinking even at that drunken state was that I didn’t want Her to go back to her place. I wanted her to stay and hang out more. Thankfully, Whit was talking how hungry she was and so was Sarah. So, I said let’s all go make a trip to McDs for a late night snack and that it was on me; that was my opportunity to get Her to tag along. Drunk as we all were, no body disagreed and Whit having been sober the night agreed to drive. And, it was that moment when Her and I sat in the backseat and our fingers met each other. It was when I slowly intertwined our fingers. It was that moment in which everything felt so normal and at ease. I looked at Her and She looked at me. We just smiled and continued on with the conversation going on in the car.

She stayed the night at my place. We cuddled on the futon in the living room. We fell asleep. She tucked Her head right between my chin and shoulder. She looked up and smiled at me and just looked at me and when I asked Her what, She just kept that smile and shook Her and fell asleep. I Held her tight. I had Her close to me and drifted off to sleep too. The best part? She didn’t know it was my birthday and yet, gave me the best birthday present. A present I never had in mind.

 

December: Part I Hanging By the Thread

 

I have never been so lost and found at the same time. She came over to our house pretty much every day. She even came over twice; once after both our classes were done in the afternoon and once after we finished our homework together and She would drove me back (only that I would ask Her to stay and She would). She would then come in and we would pretend like we were going to get more work done and pull out our stuff while sitting on the futon. Then, I would tell Her that I was going to take a break and put aside my notebook or whatever I was working on, on the coffee table. She would soon just look at me with the cutest smile and say, “You’re so bad.” And, even before I say anything She had already packed Her things into Her bag and curled Herself next to me, using my lap as her pillow. I would then rest my hand on Her arm and She would slowly start to fiddle with my fingers and as I would slowly intertwine our fingers together. As if She had been waiting for me to do that, She would then pull our intertwined hands close to Herself. Did I mention ho perfect it was?

The moment was so perfect and natural that I would not even realize that I had butterflies. That’s how comfortable it all felt. However, the days were dwindling down. The thesis that I though I was never going to get done was finally coming together, the leaves out were no longer there, the ground was white, we did everything together but still managed to avoid talking about what was really needed to be talked about, and the worse part? I never thought I wanted this semester to last. The few days of December were the same. I wanted to bring it up. Every time we laid on the futon and She cuddled up close to me, all I just wanted to hold Her close and not let Her go. There would be days I would ask Her to stay. She would then tell me that She should head back because She has to make it to class in the morning. By then, She would be standing up, Her hand still in mine, and I would be just on the futon, trying to linger. She had this smile. She had this look: the “I don’t want to go either look.” But, I didn’t dare push it. Thinking back, she probably would have stayed if I asked Her to stay one more time. What a dumbass I was. I would get up and walk Her to Her car. She would give me a lingering hug and by now, it was even normal to give sober kisses on Her forehead before She left. So I kissed her forehead. I watched Her drive off and go back to my room wishing I wasn’t all by myself.

Few days passed. I had exactly a week before I left. I even started packing my room. Again, things haven’t changed and I have been trying hard to tell myelf that it was just what it was. I told myself that I was never the relationship type nor could this be anything. There is no way something like this could happen without neither one of us ever confronting one another about what was going on. And, if it was something then, there was no way this could be anything. I’m not a stickler for long distance and I was always that friend who said distance was the most dangerous and the stupidest thing. Therefore, trying to even make it work would be a waste of time to start with.

The week went by and our behavior towards did not change. It was the same. We cuddled, watched movies, She stayed over late, and it was all the best until that weekend. I have a tendency to have no filter when I get drunk. And, that evening, when She came over to my house to drink with the rest of the group, I told her that She should really spend more time with Her friend, Her roommates. My first intention was to see Her reaction but it was true. She had been hanging out a lot with me that She didn’t hang out with Her best friends. Her first reaction was that it was okay. She laughed it off and walked away to get Herself a drink. As I became very adamant, Her facial expression changed and She said, “Do you not want me here? I said it’s fine. I want to hangout with you.”

I knew I shouldn’t have said the next few words, I probably didn’t even want to but that was me. I was starting to pull myself away from the situation. I was trying to start my distancing.

 “No, I mean. We’ve been hanging out a lot and I wanted to make sure you spend time with them.”

“I’m fine… Like I want to hangout with you.”

“I know that. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to hangout with me because I’m leaving. Like you should go,” that was it. She looked at me as if I had said the last possible words to drive her away. She looked very offended. She walked away from me. I watched her walk away with her drink to make conversation with some other people in the room.

I deserved it. However, there wasn’t anything that I knew to do. This was me. I have always bee the royal dick and just couldn’t help it but be that same person. A part of me did it because I figured, if it’s nothing then why should I care what I do? Another part of me wanted to just push Her enough for Her to bring up what _this_ was all about. However, doing this all drunk probably was my biggest mistake.

It didn’t take me long before I started feeling bad to find Her. I followed Her like a puppy but She was definitely upset. No body was away of the situation and everyone wanted to head back to campus. As the crowd made its way out, there were six of us but one car. Whit being the DD for the night, she drove and because of the lack of seats She sat on my lap. I pretended like nothing was wrong and wrapped my arms around Her waist. I’m pretty sure Sarah saw this but she didn’t say anything because she probably thought I was just making sure She didn’t fall or slip. I then took Her hand and fiddled with it. She didn’t react. I knew something was up. As we drove onto campus, She told Whit that She wanted to be dropped off in front of her dorm and I just volunteered and said that I’m getting off too because it just happened to be that Jake lived right across from Her room; how convenient must that have been for them I thought to myself.

I quietly followed Her up to Her room. We walked in and She just stood there as I took a seat on the couch in front of her.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

No response.

“Hey, I’m sorry I just…” I didn’t know what I wanted to say next.

There was a really long moment of silence then She finally said something, “I don’t get it. I want to spend time with you and you’re trying to push me away. Did I do something wrong?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I just looked at my hands and fiddled with my fingers. She just stood there quietly. I took a deep breath and whatever the alcohol was doing was responsible for the next few words that slipped out of my mouth.

“Ali, what are we doing? I don’t get what we are doing. I don’t-”

Then, the door opened. It was Her roommate. Saved by the roommate much? But, I wasn’t sure if I was glad that we got interrupted or rather upset that we left it hanging… again…


	3. Still Hanging by the Thread…

December Part 2: Confrontational 

          It was Carm, “Hey, guys. I’m don’t think I can go out tonight I’m really not feeling it.” Luckily Carm was sick and she was oblivious of the situation. She looked pale and she was just not feeling it.

Ali gave me a look and silently mouthed, “Later,” and I really didn’t have the patience that night but I realized she wasn’t going to give me a chance right then. So, I played along. I acted normal and so did Ali. Ali tried to make conversation with Carm and told her that she should come to the townhouses for the party at least and that she didn’t have to drink. I just sat there agreeing and pretending like everything was alright and all this time, Ali didn’t look at me or even acknowledged me and I was getting impatient.

So, as the three of us walked out of Ali and Carm’s dorm we made our way to the townhouses. And, by the time we reached the townhouse, I was done. I just wanted to ignore everything and just drink; however, that did not mean that I was done with talking. Yet, Ali seemed to have felt the opposite. She was a lot more open and warm. I guess during our walk over, she cooled down. She tried to get my attention and pretend like everything was okay but I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t fair for her or for me.

With everyone in the house, enjoying their time, I couldn’t deal with the tension so I just walked out to the lounge right out the townhouse where the party was. I was just done. It was definitely the alcohol as well because I could feel the heat just creeping up my body. As I made my way to one of the couches in the lounge I saw Ali behind me. She had her innocent face on and I knew what she was up to. I knew whatever she was going to say next was going to be nothing but concern. I just sat down.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” She asked carefully as she sat down next to me.

“Us? You? Me? Everything?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean us. What are we doing? What are we? I’m confused and I think you’re confused too. So, tell me, we’re holding hands, you stay over and cuddle with me, you text me, and all that. What are we?!” I don’t know why but I was yelling at her. I knew I shouldn’t but I was so frustrated with everything. It was about time that I needed answers.

“What do you mean…?” Ali responded carefully.

“What do you mean by that? You know what I’m talking about. This. Us,” I said a little softer this time.

“I—” Then, there was Syd and Kristie barging in.

  1. I thought to myself. _Why can’t we have a moment to ourselves?!_



The two were drunk and giggly, “HEYYYY!” They said all bubbly. However, they instantly knew that things were serious and the smiled on their faces slowly disappeared.

“Ummm, everything okay?” Kristie asked carefully.

“Yeah, it’s fine. We’re just talking,” I lied and put on a fake smile on my face.

“Yeah,” Ali agreed as she forced a smile on her face as well.

“Okay, well… bye,” Syd said as she noticeably pulled Kristie along with her back to the townhouse.

After the duo left, there was a pause. Then, Ali finally spoke, “I don’t know Ash. I don’t know…”

“What do you mean I don’t know? Like I’m asking what we are. Like is that—” _Are you fucking kidding me?!_ It was Carm. She was sober as ever and she looked even paler.

“Guys, I think I’m done. I just can’t. I need to be in bed,” Carm said as she walkd in.

“Yeah?” I asked.

However, this time, she had kind of sensed something was up when she saw that Ali was sullen.

“Uh, yeah. I’ll see you guys later,” Carm said quickly and she left.

This brought another silence between us. I was drunk and I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t her fault that everyone was interrupting us but I couldn’t find anyone else in the room to frustrated at so I wrongfully let it out on her…

“You know what, forget it. I’m done,” I got up form the couch and walked out on her. The December breeze was cold. I just put my hands in my pocket and I left. As I quickly walked, I heard footsteps following behind me. It was definitely her. Ali made her way next to me but we walked in silence until we reached her dorm and the Frat house in which the party was at later tonight.

“I’m going home. You should go back to the party,” I told her sternly as I came to a halt.

“Really?” Ali questioned me.

“Yeah, really.” I didn’t even look at her. I was just looking at my feet.

“You just want me to go back?” She was definitely getting pissed.

“Yeah, you should,” I said as I now looked up and stared into her eyes. I could see the hurt and the frustration in her eyes. Although I was confused that she was bothered with what I had said when she couldn’t even answer what we were, I just continued to still to my leathered face and started walking away from her.

She stopped me. She grabbed me by my arms and stood in front of me, “You really think I want to go back to the party and let you go home?”

“You should go, I’m going home,” I couldn’t.

“You’re stupid to even think that,” was all Ali said and she was walking in front of me. We walked in the same direction because by now, I knew she was walking home with me. However, it was different today. I didn’t want to go home with her. It was just not right to go home with her knowing that she was going to pretend like nothing was wrong.

Along the way, about few blocks before my place, I stopped, “Just go back Ali, I don’t need you to walk me home.”

She didn’t even look back, “Who said I was walking you home?” And we silently walked toward my house.

When we got to my house, it was the awkward silence again. She just stood around the kitchen as I stood there for a drink of water. I had sobered a lot but was definitely still tipsy. I finished by drink and went to my room as I heard her footsteps follow me. The silence was unbearable. She just stood in my room and I stood there as well. There were a lot of things I wanted to say but I the only thing I could manage to say was, “You should go home. I’ll walk you back.” Ali had left her car at our house earlier because she couldn’t drive back with the alcohol in her system. So, I started to put my sweater and jacket back on and she stopped me.

“Stop it! I don’t want to go back. I don’t need you to. I’m here because I want to be with you! Don’t you get it?!” She was livid but I pretended like I didn’t care and just stood there. She looked at me as if I was pathetic enough to be so stubborn and just shook her head and tucked herself in my bed. I was waiting for her to say something but she didn’t. So, I turned the light off and took my place on the other side of the big bed. The distance was foreign. We never spent the night so far apart. I didn’t reach out for her and she didn’t reach out for me. We fell asleep like that with what seemed like a thousand miles apart from each other in the same bed.

What seemed like hours later, which was really only like two hours after both of us fell asleep. I saw her soundlessly asleep next to me. But, with a much sober mind and knowing that I only had a week left before I was done with college, I slowly lifted her head and pulled her closer to me. She didn’t protest against it. As if she was waiting, she crawled into my side and wrapped her arms around my waist and went back to sleep. This was what was wrong with us: we couldn’t seem to find anything wrong with talking about it or not talking about it. And, morning came and that was that. We went back to “as if nothing happened” mode. But not for long… Who knew the tornado would be back so soon…

Sunday was a chill day, or so I thought. Everything was fine. Ali had woken up that morning and she went back to her dorm and things were fine. She happened to have a sports banquet that evening so she said she would come hangout after and I said sure. So around 10 that evening, she came back from the banquet. While Whit went to bed early Sarah was still on campus doing work or something. Ali and I sat on the futon as usual with Netflix on. However, things were different that night. There were unsaid words and a silence that was louder than words that were spoken last night. We said there together and me being the impatient one finally said something.

“So, what are we Ali?”

Ali knew this was going to be a conversation she won’t be able to escape. She remained silent again.

So I just went for it. No shield, no padding. No lies, no pretending. I just went for it. “I don’t know if I’m just reading too much and maybe I am but I don’t know what we’re doing or what we are… I like spending time with you. I really do. And whatever we are, I think we shouldn’t do this anymore. I leave in less than a week and… yeah… I think we should try—”

No joke, this must really be our luck. Before we started this serious conversation, we had a movie on and believe it or not as I was about to really get to the bottom of this, Sarah comes home. And, maybe it’s a thing that both of our friends are just oblivious but Sarah comes in and she sits on the other couch and says that she has never seen this movie and just makes herself comfortable.

I really wanted to pull Ali out and talk to her but I knew that Ali wouldn’t want to drag any attention so I wait. We waited. We waited for the movie to end, which was another an hour later. Sarah finally went in and Ali said she was going to head home so I walked her to the car. I knew that I couldn’t just let her go home like that. So, as she got into the driver seat, I got into the passenger seat. She just stared at her wheels and I turned towards her.

“Ali, I really like what we have, whatever this is. I want you to know that. I’m just confused and I don’t want to sound so ahead of both of us but I just… Yeah. I didn’t mean to get mad at you or anything but I was just frustrated with the situation not you. I really do care about you and I like you. I just… You get it right?” I almost asked that as if I was forcing her to understand.

She nodded. It wasn’t convincing but she nodded. I held her hands and because it was late I wrapped up our conversation, kissed her head goodnight, and went in. I even texted her goodnight but she didn’t text me back. I knew I fucked up, fucked it up royally.

The next morning, I woke up and the first time I did was check my phone. However, there wasn’t anything. I contemplated whether I should text Ali first but I figured she wanted space and didn’t. I put aside everything and got ready for class. The thing however was that Ali and I had the same religious class professor and it was a thing in which we would text each other about our classes. My class being first, I would always inform her what our professors mood was like so that Ali could mentally prepare herself for her class. Today, I put aside my pride and everything else and decided to text her. _The beans are spilled and what else do I have to lose? I’m leaving in few days anyway._ That was my initial thought and I sent her a text.

 

Me: She seems to be in a pretty good mood today.

 

I waited for her to get back. But, the text didn’t come immediately. I waited and waited but it never came. Class eventually ended and as I was walking out there I saw her, walking towards her class. I could have said something about the text but I didn’t because I knew it wasn’t the right thing to bring up, especially with this tension between us.

“Hey…” I said as I approached her.

“Hi,” She replied lifelessly.

I knew why she was like this–even though I wanted to clear things out and just get to the point, I pretended like nothing was wrong and put on a smile.

“Going to class?” It was a stupid question. Ali would never miss class, not even when she is sick.

She just nodded.

“Mkay, well I have stuff after class today but if you have time, you want to come over?”

She paused before she answered and I’m pretty sure she was wondering whether it was better to talk it out or just ignore. However, she knew it had to be talked of, “Sure, I’ll text you,” was all she said as she went her way. I felt a sudden pound in my chest. _Wow, that went really well_. I said to myself sarcastically.

The rest of the day was long. I waited all day to see her and I actually purposely avoided seeing her before she texted me because I didn’t want to experience that new awkward moment the two of us seemed to be trapped in. I waited more. I waited after dinner and I waited after I was done with work and she finally texted me.

 

Ali: I’m finally done. Can I come over now?

 

It was more of a permission and it wasn’t the usual tone in which she asked if she come to hangout. She was asking as if this was going to be the end or the solution to what this confusing thing has been between us.

Me: Of course.

 

She was over in about five minutes. I couldn’t figure out if she was exhausted because of her post-season soccer workouts or because of… us. She came in and she quietly sat next to me on the futon. Again, I waited for her to say something but there wasn’t even a “hi,” so I spoke first.

“How was your day?”

“It was okay. Yours?”

“Had better ones,” I replied not looking at her.

Then, there was the pause. We both knew what this was. Ali knew where this was heading and she knew that it had to be done. And, I knew she wasn’t about to say anything. She never had been the upfront type. She had an opinion but she was never the type to say it first and I knew that whatever I recommended, she would just go with it because she didn’t want to make things worse. I was being a jerk. I was using her to make things _right_ or what I thought was best for both of us.

“So, about this weekend…”

Her head dropped and I felt the same pound in my chest I felt earlier. The truth was that I was confused too. I was telling myself that this was the best thing but I didn’t really know if it really was the best thing for us. But, I had no other option or plan in mind so went with it.

“Ali, I really like you. I do. I don’t know if you feel the same way or not but I like you. I like spending time with you, holding your hands, and just being with you. But… I’m leaving in like five days. Like… I think we shouldn’t… do that and try to be _friends…_ ”

She didn’t respond.

“I just want it to be easy for both of us. Obviously we both care and I’m not going to lie. I’m really good at shutting off people and being distance. I told you, my feelings work like an on and off switch and I have no control of it. And, I don’t want to be that jerk to you. I want to be your friend and I don’t want to hurt you… So, the best thing I think is for us to just… try to be _friends_.”

She didn’t respond again. However, I could see tears dropping on hands. I didn’t even think twice before I reached over, picked her face up, and wiped her tears.

“Hey, it’s okay. I mean, this is the best for us right?”

She looked at me with those puppy eyes in tears and said what I didn’t expect to hear, “So, you just want to stay away from me. Like, I know you Ash. You’re just going to start pulling yourself away from me. And, you’re going to ignore everything and I don’t know if I can do that.” And, that was it. Even though she didn’t confirm it, she said it. She felt the same way.

“You’re basically telling me that you don’t want to hangout with me…” She finished as she started balling her eyes out. I didn’t realize this was going to be this hard and painful.

“That’s not what I said. I said, we should probably not hold hands or do ‘our’ kind of things…” I said as I held her. She was crying uncontrollably.

She cried like that for another fifteen minutes. She finally wiped her tears and got herself in control and nodded. “Okay. I get it.”

“Yeah?” I asked with half relief and half doubt.

“Yeah. I do, but I want to stay over tonight for one last time,” it was almost a statement than a permission. And, it was weird how just cuddling in bed could sound more intimate for us who haven’t even kissed.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. It’s not going to make things easier,” I warned her.

“I don’t care. I think we deserve that much. I think I deserve that much.”

I was hesitant and she could see that I was. She waited patiently and I caved in. I nodded. Then, she grabbed my hands and we walked to my room. As always, she tucked herself real close to me and her arms felt even tighter around me that night. I knew she was fighting her tears but they had soon left tear drops on my sleeves. I didn’t wipe them off this time. I just said, “I’m sorry, about everything.”

And, she nodded, “I know. Me too.”

Little did we know, it was going to be a long confusing night for us…

 


	4. From “Confusing” to “More Confusing but a Little Clearer”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on applications so this will the last update for a little while. Hope you guys like it.

December Part 3

 

Neither of us could fall asleep. Ali was trying so hard to pretend like she was asleep. I was trying hard not to move and pretend like I cared. I didn’t want to be a wishy washy person by giving her a different idea after I told her that we should try to be friends. However, I didn’t want to treat her like a nobody either. I was torn. As we lied on the bed, Ali suddenly brought her hand that was around my waist to my face. She knew I wasn’t asleep. I turned my face and looked at her with a small smile.

“What?” I asked softly as I took her hand on my face.

She didn’t say anything. She just shook her head and smiled.

We stared at each other for a while before I got myself up on my side and Ali repositioned herself with her back on the bed and facing me. I slowly started to brushed aside her side hair behind her ears and smiled. It was perfect. Leaving aside the circumstances and everything else, the moment was perfect. She honestly couldn’t have looked prettier and she couldn’t have looked more perfect. We stayed in that position for awhile and I did what all confused people do. I did what all the jackasses do. I did the exact thing I hated my friends told me that their “in betweens” did. But that moment I didn’t have any control. I felt as if I didn’t tell her, she wouldn’t know how much I wanted what we couldn’t have or what I thought I never wanted.

“I really want to kiss you but I can’t,” was what I said.

She then reached for my face and gently cupped it and stared into my eyes, “You can.”

But that wasn’t convincing enough. There was a lot more to think about. We just said no more holding hands and no more cuddling and here I was trying to kiss her. I had to stop myself from being a hypocrite. I pursed my lips and forced a small smile and shook my head.

“That won’t make things easier. It won’t be easier for us to do that and try to be normal tomorrow,” I convinced her.

“I don’t care. It’s already hard enough.”

“It’s going to be harder,” I tried to stay with my argument and it was true. It was going to be harder.

“And, I said I don’t care,” She was being so adamant.

We were still in the same position and for the next hour or so we remained really close. I had a million thoughts in my head to whether she was right or if I was right. Our faces went from inches apart of half an inch apart: the distance between us was like a stretchy rubber band that reciprocated with the constant changing of rational thoughts in my head.

About the 59th minute into this quizzical moment of confusion, Ali finally said something, “If you can’t, I will.”

I looked at her and made sure that wasn’t going to happen and I explained to her why, “I won’t let you. If we do, I’m going to kiss you because I want you to know that I want to kiss you and you mean that much to me unlike what you think.”

That was probably the moment in which everything was already set but neither of us knew. I fiddled with her hair and cupped her face. And when it was too much I just went for it, I couldn’t hold it any longer.

“You sure?” I asked her, “It won’t make things any easier. And this doesn’t change anything… Tomorrow, we can’t do this again…”

She nodded. With my nose brushing by hers and our lips just a paper-thin distance apart, I kissed her. I laid my lips on hers and I could feel her lips perk up against mine. I slowly bring myself on top of her while supporting my bodyweight with one arm. I cup her face so gently and we slowly pull apart. She smiles at me and I smile back. And, as unfair and cruel it was, I let the only words I probably shouldn’t have slipped.

“You don’t know how bad I wanted to do that,” and I went back yearning for more. I went back to kiss her lips that I think I’ve thought about a million times kissing. Everything felt right. It was more than perfect and more than everything I’ve ever imagined it to be. It seemed like our some of our frustration and confusion were answered. We kissed all night. It was all bittersweet.

As we shared the moment and I was all wrapped in this perfect world, neither of us saw the dawn approaching along with reality. A day closer before I left and a day in which we both knew we had to stick with out deal. I looked into her eyes and then shifted my gaze to her lips. I pulled her closer and gently pulled her in for another kiss. I just couldn’t imagine how perfect this was. However, both of us were brought back to the ringing of my alarm and with that, even the small smile on her face was no longer there.

“I have to get to class,” Ali brought out slowly. It was inevitable. She had to go and that was that.

“I know,” I replied as I brushed her side hair behind her ear.

We reluctantly got up and she got ready, as did I; I slowly put on my sweater so I could walk her out. She was zipping up her coat when I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her in for a kiss. Immediately, she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me in closer. The kiss was longing and desperate for more time. However, there was none to spare.

She had to go to class and walked her out to her car. She had her car running with the excuse that it had to heat up before she could drive. I could’ve sat in the passenger seat but I didn’t think I would have the will power to pull myself away from her so I just hung out with the door open. It was stupid thinking now because she was trying to heat it and I was letting all the hot air out and cold air in. However, she had to go back to her place to get ready for class and it was time for her to go. Ali had tears in her eyes and it looked as if she was about to be sick. I couldn’t bear to look at her again so I cupped her face and kissed her for one last time.

“It’s going to be the same. Just, with few changes,” I assured her, “I’m still going to text you and ask you to come hangout and all. This isn’t me pulling away from you. This is me trying to stay next to you.”

She nodded. And, I left, closed the door, and watched her drive away.

I immediately texted her knowing that she wouldn’t be seeing it until she got home.

 

Me: I hope class isn’t too bad (:

 

She texted me back as she was on her way to class. The rest of the day was just mellow. We texted, and she had a conference that she had to go as part of her major requirement that evening so we didn’t see each other all day. It just seemed so planned but, I thought to myself that maybe the space was needed for both of us to finally process what happened. I was working at the library when she was back. She had texted me but it was late. And, things weren’t the same. I couldn’t just causally ask her to come over and cuddle on the futon. The switch and the changes were a lot harder than I expected. I had texted her earlier telling her that I would drop by her place before I left campus. Therefore, when she had texted me that she was back on campus, I guess she was waiting for me to ask if I could come over.

I packed my things when I read the text that she was on campus with the intentions to go see her briefly, it just didn’t seem right to end my day without seeing her before I left for home. However, as I walked out of the library, it just coincidentally happened to be that she was walking into her dorm. I wanted to call out to her but I couldn’t. I wanted to run over and help her with her bag and books while she searched for her ID to swipe herself in but I couldn’t. I just stood there in the cold snow as I watched her struggle her way to find her card and make her way in. Then, I stood there a little longer and walked over to Whit’s car that I had borrowed to get to campus earlier and drove home. That night ended in a way as if it never ended. I didn’t fall asleep till early next morning.

The next two days were hard and awkward. It was hard because neither of us could stop replying what happened Monday night. It was awkward because we both knew what we wanted and what we needed but neither of us wanted to say anything about it. For me, it was just a lost-cause. There was no use pretending as if it was all about flowers and butterflies. However, Thursday night came. Thursday night was a night we had talked about for a very long time, even before all this “fell apart.” We had promised to study for our religious class together as the exam was on Friday. She recommended a “religious class study sleepover” and I, of course, agreed.

We both tried really hard to ignore everything that was around us: the confusion, the complexity, the yearning, and feelings. I honestly didn’t think that she would bring it up as she was never the type to say anything first, especially in a situation like this. However, I was surprised.

“So, we still having that study sleepover at your place?” Ali asked. There was a sense of hesitance but she tired her best to make it sound as causal.

“Uh, yeah, of course,” I wasn’t thinking. But, I wasn’t about to say no to spending more time with her, awkward or not.

We agreed to meet up at my place later that night. She came around 8 and we studied. We actually got some decent studying done and after three hours of the birth of religion, cultural roots, and other related class materials, we decided to call it a night. We decided to put something on Netflix. Normally, we would have been on the same couch but we weren’t today. I couldn’t tempt myself. As it got later, I could see that she was getting sleepy. So, I suggested that we turn the TV off and go to bed. She agreed.

“Ali, you should go sleep in the bed. I’ll sleep here,” I told her.

“No you go. It’s your bed. I’ll sleep here,” Ali replied.

“You’re not serious. You’re really telling me that I’m going to make you sleep here, out on the futon, by yourself?” I asked her in disbelief. She secretly knew that I would never let her or any of my guests sleep out on the couch, let alone, by themselves.

“It makes totally sense. You’re the weird one,” she said as tried to pretend as if she was busy getting settled in the futon.

“Fine, okay. I’ll sleep here then,” I said as I placed myself on the shitty couch not even two-thirds my height.

“Oh com’on, you can’t possibly sleep there. Ash, you even had a bad back,” She was right but I wasn’t about to lose this stubborn game. We were just both too stubborn.

“Good-night,” I ignored her and went to bed.

The rest of the night consisted of neither of us fully falling asleep and myself still trying to convince her to go to my room and her ignoring me. We woke up early or better yet, neither of us ever fell asleep. I opened my eyes and the first thing I did was to check how she was. She was cuddled up in the blanket. She slowly opened her eyes and looked back at me.

“Come here,” She said as she opened her blanket towards me.

I had a small smile as I pursed my lips and shook my head, “I can’t.”

“But it’s cold,” She said still in that same position.

“You know we can’t,” I said sternly this time.

Her response? She frowned, wrapped herself back with the blanket including her head and turned her back towards me. I personally thought at the moment that she was just trying to play “cute” and act as if she was upset. I was waiting for her to turn back around but she didn’t. She might have fallen asleep. I stared at her for a really long time and I realized that I overestimated myself. So, I did what I should have done long time ago. I walked into Whit’s room. She was getting ready for a shower when I walked in.

“Hey,” Whit said.

“Hey, I need help. I’ll only take five minutes,” I told her.

“Okay,” She waited for me to talk but I couldn’t speak. The words were stuck, like they have been all these weeks.

“So….?”

“I don’t know what to do Whit. Tell me what to do!” I said in desperation.

“What are you talking about?” Whit asked.

“You know what I’m talking about.”

I knew she knew. She was trying really hard not to smile the typical “I knew it” smile.

“Stop it Whit, don’t play dumb,” I told her with a smile on my face now.

“I still don’t know unless you tell me,” Oh, do I find the most stubborn people to be around.

“Gosh, you’re really going to make it say it, huh?”

“Mhm,” She nodded in victory.

“Talking about Ali….” I said shyly.

“Haha I know,” She saw that I wanted to crawl into a small hole if I could.

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?!” I was now sort of blaming her in the most unfair way possible. It wasn’t her fault at her. I knew that.

“What? And tell my best friend that maybe she might have feelings for a friend? Oh right, but you’re leaving so you shouldn’t? I don’t have to right to tell you that. I was waiting for you to say something,” Whit was right.

“Ughhhhh. I don’t know. She’s downstairs and we had the talk and all. And, it sucks. Like I’m worried about her. I don’t want her to think that I’m like messing around with her…” I let it out.

“I know what you’re doing. Don’t think that I haven’t noticed. She’s been here awfully a lot and she hadn’t been here for like days till last night. But, Ash, just make the best out of it. Like, why put yourselves through all that trouble and misery. Like, do what you want.”

I thought for a while, “Okay, thanks.” I walked out of her room back to the living room.

And as I walked out I heard Whit shout, “Five minutes my ass.”

I walked out and saw Ali still in the same position when I left. I approached her slowly and sat on the couch and I guess my weight on the futon woke her up. She turned to see who it was and when I knew she realized it was me, I laid myself next to her.

She was definitely confused. The same girl who said no just 15 minutes ago was lying next to her. I just smiled back because she was perfect. The confused look and her trying to hide her excitement was really cute. I reached for her small hairs on her face and brushed them aside. Then, I cupped her face and I kissed her. It was a long peck to be more precise and still cupping her face and her looking more confused than ever, I knew we were doing it all wrong.

“I know you’re going ‘what the hell’ but I just talked to Whit about us and she’s right. Fuck everything I said on Monday, let’s just do what we want. Let’s just go with and we’ll figure it out. What do you say?” I asked with a smile.

She nodded but the confused face was still there. We just laid next to each other for a while until we heard footsteps and we got up.

“Morning!” Whit said extra jumpy today.

“Morning,” we both replied.

“I should probably get going. I told Carm that I would meet her for breakfast,” Ali said as she realized what time it was.

“Mkay, sounds good,” I told her.

As Ali got her things together and started walking out, I followed her.

 “I promise, we’ll talk more later and I’ll explain, okay?” I assured her. She seemed a little less confused and a little more relieved. She nodded and we leaned into each other another kiss. Things seemed normal _again_ for the first time in two days. The rest of the day was perfect. We got done with our religious class exams and ened up hanging out together in Ali’s room in an attempt to get more work done; I still had to get my thesis done and she had exams left.

Friday night was bittersweet. We spent the whole night in an attempt to make up for the loss kisses. But, it was D-day. I was leaving… But we decided not to talk about it which we were about to regret in about 15 hours…

We made it through the day. I had finished all my things and never even having to expect such an event at the end of my semester, I had been in such a hurry to book my flight out to California. I had booked my flight out from D.C. early Sunday morning. So, after I was done with my thesis and was done as an undergrauate, it had all finally hit me. I suddenly had a rush of stupidity inundate me. It was as if I was beating myself for being so stupid. And, there it was. I found myself mad at her. I was mad at the situation. I didn’t know what it was but I was… I was avoiding her the rest of the night that I only had four hours of before I had to get on the bus to the airport. I remember going into her room and just getting mad at her. Ali started crying and I was still yelling at her how stupid it was for us. How it was irrational for us to have even thought that it was the most irresponsible thing we were doing. However, when I saw her crying uncontrollably from the hurt I had given her. I caved in again. The second time I would cave in. I crawled onto the bed behind her and wrapped my arms around her. I spent what was left of the short night we had comforting her. And when it was time for me to leave, I had kissed her goodnight and said, “We’ll figure it out.” However, we were far from figuring it out… I remember seeing her standing in the doorway of her dorm as I walked away some thousand miles away. That night was pure pain. Pure pain from knowing what we can’t be and what we can’t do to change the situation…


	5. Because if it was easy, it wouldn't be us

January: What elephant? I don’t see an elephant in this room…

 

 

Just like December, January wasn’t much different. Ali and I kept in touch as if we lived minutes away through texting, calling, and skyping. Neither one of use talked about us being an “us” and to be quite frank, I wasn’t all about the long distance relationship. I definitely liked her and it was different but I also couldn’t get rid of the thought that for her it wasn’t much but a spur of moment kind of thing and that her curiosity got the best of her. I’ve always seen my friends be in long distance relationships and I’ve always given them so much credit for being able to pull something like that. However, I don’t know any of my best friends who have made it through a long distance relationship. Also, the idea of commitment scared the shit out of me. If being in a relationship and being committed were things that we as humans could be allergic to, they would have been nothing but like a peanut allergy to me. Therefore not only did I stray far from it but I just didn’t want to be in one. I liked being free and myself.

I had also been trying to tell her that she was still in college and there was much that happened. Especially since we weren’t officially together or anything, I would tell her that she should never feel bad for things that happened on a drunken night or anything. From my defense, I was being honest. Things could happen and we were still young. There was much that could happen from impulse and I wanted her to know that if it had ever happened then, she should not be guilty because I would understand; it’s true that distance is hard and neither one of us were committed. She would then get mad at me for thinking so low of her. However, I was just thinking ahead because I knew that if it happened she would feel so guilty that she wouldn’t forgive herself. I was forgiving her before giving her the chance to ask for forgiveness.

January was also the month Whit, Tobin, Kelley, Niki, and I were going on a backpacking trip to South America. I had already warned her that things were going to be hard especially with the texting and calling because of the lack of wifi and what not. It was going to be hard because we were still “something” not also “nothing” and up till then we had been talking to each other everyday. She said she understood and I said okay and we left for out trip.

It was definitely hard. But there were also long night conversations with the girls that gave me better perspectives of what I wanted to do or what I wanted. They made me see that what I might not want may not be because I don't want it but because I don’t know that I want it. They asked me how I felt and I said I was happy and they said that that was enough for me to not question what we are. However, Ali and I had no plans to seeing each other, maybe the coming May if I planned to go to my spring graduation to walk. But, I also knew that her and I really needed to talk about us, talk about where things were going because we hadn’t done that. I also felt like while they were being very reasonable, in the long run, Ali and I were wasting time because she still had two years left and I found work here and it wasn’t like I could just ditch everything or that I was willing to do that. Therefore, I decided to go see her during her spring break instead of going to my own graduation in May because time was ticking and we needed to figure much out.

Throughout the month long trip, we kept in touch and filled each other on things. And one night at our guesthouse when we finally had a stable source of wifi, “the conversation” came up through text as I knew Whit was asleep already and calling wasn’t an option.

 

Ali: So how was your day?

Me: It was fine. Tired from all the beaching and drinking and relaxing. You know?

Ali: You’re an ass… I’m so jealous!

Me: So, what’s on your agenda for the day?

Ali: I don’t know just classes and post-season stuff and maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get to talk to my girl? (:

 

I paused and reread the text. _Did she just call me her girl? Hmmm_ I tried to play it cool.

 

Me: Haha, so I’m your girl?

Ali: I mean… Only if you want to be in…

Me: You want to be in a relationship?

Ali: Only if you want…

 

Not only was she being hesitant but she also very much as well dropped the ball in my court. I don’t I was thinking very much but was more impetuous at the time because what I did next really don’t have much explanation to it…

 

Me: Ali, you do realize that there is nothing stable about this. There are promises when we’ll get to see each other and there is no guarantee that I won’t hurt you or that I’ll be there for you. We won’t be able to do things like all the other people do like go out for a movie night or grab lunch quickly or any of that normal stuff…

 

In all reality, I think I was trying to scare her off. Her next response scared me but I was just as too proud as I was stubborn.

 

Ali: And I don’t care.

Me: Ali, you understand that it’s not going to be easy. You’re going to be upset like you have been because we can’t talk and all that…

Ali: I know, and I don’t care.

Me: Fine.

Ali: Fine?

Me: You want to be my girlfriend.

Ali: (: Yes. Very much so yes.

 

It was weirder after that because I felt a rush of happiness and “oh shit” all at the same time. I hadn’t realized what I had done by making a decision on a whim…

 

February: And still dating

 

The trip ended and things were just normal. I was still trying to get used to it when she called me my girl but it was something I just ignored. It was hard because I didn’t know what it meant to be in a relationship. I tried my best but I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe it wasn’t what I really wanted right now and that it wasn’t her but it was just the situation. However, I didn’t want to do all this over a text or a phone call. So, I told her that I’m booking a flight to see her in March for her spring break. To her it was a moment of refreshment, for me, I was planning a trip to wrap things up…

March: Back Fired Plan

 

It was March and I was flying out a week before. While I had all the plans to break it to her when I was there I felt like that was going to be a double whammy. I felt like she should have a heads up before I did so she could decide if me going to see her could be a way to resolve all this. It was a douche bag move but I felt like I was lying to myself. I felt like I was doing something that I wasn’t comfortable and it was hard. So, a week before I left I brought it up while we were skyping.

 

“Hey Alex, I need to tell you something,” I brought it up very carefully.

“Yeah?” She was oblivious.

“So… It’s just… You see about us… I just…” I couldn’t even look up and see her because I was so ashamed of myself for being the wishy washy person, being the indecisive person who said one thing and was now saying something opposite. I felt like a bully who was being nice to ploy so that what I did at the end would be of a much bigger collateral damage.

She was speechless. “Alex, I really do like you and I care about you but… I don’t know if I can be in a relationship.” Her face dropped and I could see the tears forming.

“It’s not you,” and there was the most stereotypical excuse. However, it was true. It wasn’t her but it was the just the whole thing about being “tired down.”

“I tried but I don’t think being in a relationship is for me… I’m sorry. I really am. I don’t mean to hurt you but I told you that I wasn’t worth it…”

If she had argued it may have been better. However, Ali just stared at me on her screen with tears rolling down and nodding. “Okay, I get it.”

“You get it?” I asked surprised and puzzled.

“I get it. You don’t want to be committed. I understand that. I understand that we’re in the iffy area,” she said defeated. It was a pain to see her but I also knew that I couldn’t keep lying to myself that this was what I wanted.

“Ali, I really do care about you and I do like you. And I know that what I’m saying is really contradictory but it just doesn’t feel right…” And, did I tell you that I also suck with words? I had basically told her that what we had didn’t feel right. The truth was that everything felt right. What didn’t felt right was the feeling of being “committed.” In all honesty, I was most probably scared knowing that putting a label meant that if something happened there would be consequences and I would have no excuses to get myself out of whether that be a heartbreak or a heartbreak or… a heartbreak.

“Ali… I still want to be there for you. I still want to be your friend. I know I’m being selfish right now and telling you everything I want and make it harder for you if you don’t want that… I’ll do what you want me to do. I won’t come next week if you don’t want me to,” I ended.

She was still crying uncontrollably but at the same time she was shaking her head, “No, I still want you to come. Why would you think that? I said I understand where you’re coming form. We can talk about it when you’re here,” Ali stated.

“Alex… the talk isn’t going to change anything… I would still feel so… I don’t know…” That was harsh but I needed to say that so that she understood where I was coming from and where this was going. I am a narcissist.

That conversation ended there and she went to bed crying. She went to bed crying. The days went by and we kept the texting going but purposely avoided talking about anything related to our last Skype. The day I was flying out to see her, I knew the shit was either going to hit the fan or we were going to be okay… I personally was leaning towards shit hitting the fan because nothing could possibly go right.

After my long flight, I got out and grabbed my bag from the baggage claim. As I made my way out of the terminal I saw her car waiting in front of the terminal gate. I saw her first so I started walking towards her and she finally saw me. She got out of the car and waited for me to get to her. We paused. Everything paused around us. For the longest one second, she stood there and I stood there in silence and neither one of moves or said anything. And after that long one second, she wrapped her arms around me into the warmest, most relieving hug. I made sure I let her know that as I engulfed her into my arms. We stood like that in front of the arrival gate. And once we let each other go, I put my bad in the car and made my way to the passenger seat. Then, she got on and as if we had done this before, I reached out and held her hands as she drove off to head back to campus, where I was going to spend the week.

Within the two minutes that we were in the car, there was a sense of comfort and relief but also a little tension. This was the first time I saw her after the talk. She looked nervous. I felt like there was something both of use wanted but neither of us knew if that was the right thing to do. So, being the hypocrite that I had been all along, I leaned towards her at the next stoplight and pulled her in and kissed her. And there it was, the smile I missed so much, I felt the weight off my shoulder strangely enough. We drove back to campus in a very comfortable awkwardness. Everything either one of us said seemed like we were trying to make things normal. We held hands and just drove back just assuming that we would figure all out once we got settled.

Once we got to campus, we brought everything upstairs to her room in the dorms and she had a suit with her two other roommates and luckily they were all back home which made it so much easier to find a place to stay. We set things down and she was showing around her new place. And while she went from room to room to show me the place, the only thing I had on my mind was how pretty she looked. Then, she realized that I was smiling for no reason and that’s the moment I couldn’t hold back any longer. I walked closer, quickly but gently cupped her face, pushed her against the wall and kissed her. I could feel her smile against my lips and her hands finding their ways like vines, looping under my arms around my shoulders.

She kissed me back with so much want. I held on to her as if I had never left. After a while, we both pulled away for air.

“I missed you a lot,” I confessed.

“Me too,” She smiled and kissed me.

I grabbed her hands and intertwined our fingers and took her to the living room couch. We sat there for a while just staring at each other. It was one of those movie scene moments that everyone couldn't stand because it was so star struck and superficial. It was one of those moments you’ve been cringing at young teenagers all infatuated by each other. But, we were just that. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. I could just smile and just say nothing every time she asked why I was staring at her.

That night was… wow. I had all the intentions to go and clean up what we had. I was going to wrap things up and get her to understand why I was going to hurt her and that because I wasn’t able to give her what she wants that I couldn't be this person she deserves to be with. There were numerous times I wondered if we were going to have sex. And, knowing that that was a possibility I told myself that I won’t sleep with her, not that I’ve ever been with a girl and knew exactly what to do other than what they say they do and you see on T.V.

With that said, I was tired from the traveling and we got ready for bed. As we got under the cover, she snuggled closed to me and wrapped her arm around my waist. I kissed her forehead and pulled her in close and one thing led to another. She then kissed by cheek, and I kissed her cheek. Then, she kissed my lips and I kissed her lips. Then, she pulled me on top of her and pulled me in to deepen the kiss.

My brain apparently decided to take the night off and put my body in charge. I supported my body with my one arm while my other arm was busily holding her face. Ali’s two free hands wrapped around my body and pulled me in closer. I tried to so hard but I couldn’t resist her. I kissed her neck and she let out a soft moan. I grazed my teeth on her neck and she arched her back. Next, were my hands that started to slowly graze down her side. While I wanted to really reach under her shirt, I guess my brain hadn’t completely left because I hesitated and instead sufficed with grabbing her leg and pulled it closer towards me so that she would wrap it around my body. And, he did just that. However, I was running out of places to put my hand without instigating, or was it already too late? Then, without thinking, I thought out aloud, “Damn, I don’t know where to put my hands.”

Ali heard this and she let out a soft laugh. She grabbed my free hand and laid it right on her side –right where her rib cage ends—and with her hand she slowly started to guide it down. “You can start there,” she said quietly, “And they can stay right here,” she finished off as she kissed me and to realize that my hand was on her ass. I smiled into her kiss and like the princess wanted, I kept them just there and occasionally giving it as nice hard squeeze. Things were getting heated but the clothes still stayed on and neither one of us made much of a move. However, after a while could hear that she was slowly getting worked up by the frustration and I could tell by the way she was pushing her center into my leg that was between her legs.

I pulled away from the kiss and looked at her and that was all I needed. “Are you sure you want this?”

Ali just nodded.

“Ali, you need to tell me because I don’t want to screw this up. Are you sure?” I asked her again letting her know that I’m serious about it.

“Ash, I’m seriously,” and to my surprised she pushed my hand down all the way to her underwear band under her pants and leaves it there. She once again had dropped the ball in my court.

Nervous as I was, I was way too much in the moment to even notice. I slowly reached down and I gave her what she wanted within my limited knowledge and understanding of how this worked. She arched, she moaned softly as my every touch. She was beautiful and perfect. She was graceful and she was breathtaking. She was all that I could ever ask anyone to be and she was all that I wanted. She was too good to be true. We spent that night like it was endless. We kissed, we touch, we felt, we enjoyed each other’s company.

For what seemed like hours later, we laid in bed in each other’s company. She had her hand on my chest and was making small circles. She looked at me with her grey green eyes and I couldn’t help but to be honest. You could say that I ruined the moment but I like to think of it as a moment we both needed and cleared everything.

“What?” Ali asked with a smile.

“I know this isn’t the perfect time to bring this up but… I actually got on the plane with the intentions to wrap things up between us… I came with the thought that we’re dragging our feet and that I can’t put you through all this and pull you into this iffy area because you deserve more, more than what I can offer…” I kept my eyes on hers. The weird but relieving thing about her eyes then was that they weren’t sad. They weren’t sad nor were they worried, they were telling me something that I didn’t think it was in her.

“Ash, I don’t need a label. I don’t even know what I want. I’ve never been in a relationship but I want you. I want to be with you and like you and tell you all that and if the iffy area is where I can do all that then, I want to be in the iffy area with you. I like being iffy with you,” she said with a soft chuckle and softly laid her hands on my face and started to rub her thumb against my cheek.

“Ali but that’s…”

“It’s fair because that’s what I want. I don’t want the iffy just because that’s the best I can get to be with you but I want the iffy because I don’t think I know one think about relationship but like I said I do want you. Because putting a label on something doesn’t mean that we care and like each other more. Ash, I get that. And, I know where you’re coming from. So, don’t say that it’s not fair. It’s fair, all right?” Ali reassured.

Weirdly enough that’s all I needed to hear. I guess that’s really all I needed. Maybe it really was just the idea of being “committed” that scared me more than anything. I don’t know what it was but what Ali had said and reassured me brought me to peace. I felt like I could like her and still be me. I felt like I could like her and still be comfortable.

Ten months later today, things are different. I tell her that I love her. We talk about all our rough times and now we laugh. She tells me that she had always thought about “doing it” in March but never said a word. I find myself defending why long distance relationships work. I tell her that I want to be in a relationship with her and her only. I tell her that I don’t her seeing other people and that if things end between us, I would find it very hard to get back on my two feet again. I tell her how pretty she is and how special she is. I tell her I’m scared that I’ll wake up one day and things will change. I tell her that she makes me want to do things that I never imagined I could do. I tell her that she’s beautiful and that she has a smoking nice ass. I tell her that all I can think of is her wrapped up all around me in bed. I tell her that my favorite part of the day is waking up to her text messages in the morning. I don’t lie and tell her that we would be forever. I don’t tell her she’s the one. I don’t tell her I’ll let her go without a fight if one day she realizes that I’m not the person she wants to be with. I don’t tell her that things will be perfect. I don’t tell her that I sometimes think I’ll screw up. However, I always tell her that I’ll always miss her more because I know I won’t be the one walking out on us and if things do fall apart, I’ll be the one missing her. I always tell her that I’ll be there for her _regardless_ because I want her to know that no matter what happens between us, I’ll always be there. Ten months and here we are. Miles away, yet, things better than ever.

 


End file.
